remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
