i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
