Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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