he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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