Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
