wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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