Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
