Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
