My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
