I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
