Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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