Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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