i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
