Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
