"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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