So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
