we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
