Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
