I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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