I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
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he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
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I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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