if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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