New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
