I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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