You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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