so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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