My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I can text with my tongue
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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