My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
