Dude my mom stole all your condoms
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
