I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
