He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
