you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
