I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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