I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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