Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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