Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
