We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
