I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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