my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
