he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
