I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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