This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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