That's intense
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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