i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Two words: blizzard sex
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
