As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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