his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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