haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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