my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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