I am puke
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
