Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
