I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
