if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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