I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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