As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
