that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
