God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
3 2 1 whiskey
BRING THE BAGELS
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
